The Sex Scam
Being taken for a ride?
Sex, as the story goes, is peak human experience. It fortifies romantic relationships. It feels amazing. It gives confidence to the meek, purpose to the aimless, connection to the lonely. Further, the fact that someone, at some point, wanted to fuck you, and maybe even vowed in front of God, state, and family they’d never fuck anyone but you ever again, is the ultimate marker of desirability. Of “normality.” Of “meaning something to someone.”
Which is why it’s noteworthy that sexual activity has been declining for years among seemingly everyone. The sexlessness panic provocateurs online endlessly debate whether this is the fault of “men” or “women.” More measured commentators and academics consider things like economic stress, domestic labor imbalances, and technological changes like smartphones with their attendant ubiquity of porn and distraction of social media.
But here’s something else to consider. Rather than the story of emotionally stunted and overwhelmed people turning away from an amazing experience that we hear so often, what if the experience itself is often nowhere near as great as what’s been sold to us? Indeed, what if a large number of human sexual encounters fall within a matrix of confusing, boring, pointless, alienating, frightening, awkward, rushed, ill-communicated, poorly planned, shame-inducing, and absurd?
When people are afforded increased levels of personal and bodily autonomy, they have an increased ability to say “no” to the activities that land them in the aforementioned matrix. And as those “no’s” ricochet across a culture as people increasingly think and act differently, the curtain begins to be pulled back on what’s really propping up the status quo. Pull back the curtain on the status quo holding up sex, as described in the first paragraph, and you begin to see the contours of an outright scam.
Even though I’m calling this the Sex Scam, I don’t believe sex is inherently a scam. It can be as enjoyable, fun, relaxed, and pleasurable as any other human activity, like eating fine Italian cuisine, going to the theater, or playing miniature golf. (A note...I’m defining “sex” here in the broadest sense, meaning any combination of emotional and physical intimacy; not strictly intercourse.) The Scam is something else entirely. It combines the abundant beliefs and behaviors around sex that produce unpleasant outcomes with the strong taboo against speaking about sex directly and honestly. It then drops that combination into a culture whose only acceptable narrative of sex is some version of “it’s wonderful and it transforms you.”
Living with this Scam has the effect of turning people into liars, sometimes directly but very often by omission. So, we high-five someone for their “first time” while they sit quietly with how awful it was. We let people believe that we’ve had whatever number of sexual partners are necessary to make us a “real man” or “proper woman.” And untold numbers every day suffer through sex they pretend to want, just because of the belief they’d better “take what they can get” or out of some twisted romantic or marital “obligation.”
And because the Scam leaves no room for the truth, it continually reinforces the prior-mentioned beliefs and behaviors that consistently make sex unpleasant. Here are just 20 of those beliefs and behaviors:
God is watching and judging me.
My parents aren’t watching but somehow are still judging me.
I don’t have enough “experience.”
I’m a healthy man whose penis doesn’t respond like a trained seal. I studied at the University of TikTok and determined I have “erectile dysfunction.”
I’m a healthy woman who can’t orgasm from penetration alone. I must not love my boyfriend enough.
I think porn is a how-to manual.
I secretly hate my partner. Why am I never “in the mood?”
My fantasies make me a broken freak.
Sex should always be “spontaneous” and free from pesky bring-downs like clarity on birth control.
I studied at Facebook State to learn what turns “men” on.
Someone with my body type has no right to act or even think sexually.
Someone with my “body count” has forfeited the right to healthy sexual encounters.
I know nothing about the anatomy or cycles of the body I’m trying to have sex with (I’m looking at you, straight men.)
My partner and I have a desire mismatch, and she’s convinced I’m a “sex addict.”
I’m sure “everyone” has more sex than me, but I’ve subconsciously defined “everyone” as the cast of “Euphoria.”
She has big breasts - she must always be horny.
He speaks loudly in meetings - he must be a demon in the sack.
I bury everything sexual in three layers of euphemism. Why does no one understand what I want?
I was taught the only valid reason for sex is “love,” so I pretend to be in love to get sex, and it blows up in my face. What gives?
And finally...
If you don’t have a sex partner, you don’t have a “sex life.”
The human erotic universe is vast and splendid, but this last point is what strands so many on Planet Sex Scam. I believe singlehood to be an excellent vessel to explore that universe. More on that in a later installment.