Singlehood Stands Alone

It's more than just the absence of a bad relationship.

The refrain “being single is better than being in a bad relationship” gets understandably dragged as being far too weak a defense of single life, and that’s where this piece will conclude. But man alive, I personally can’t imagine ANY version of singlehood worse than the asphyxia of the spirit that overtakes so many in couples.

And I’m not even talking about the obvious issues like domestic violence or cheating. Rather, it’s the background radiation of indifference, unresolved misunderstandings, unexpressed resentment, unrevealed agendas, and contempt bred by an unrelenting familiarity among couples whose public-facing image codes as “normal.”

Or it’s the implication present within vows taken that you’re now the default source of happiness for someone who can talk for an hour without saying anything. Or someone who takes the shame they carry about [insert issue here] out on you. Or someone who, finding themselves lost in mid-life, just starts giving up.

It’s at this point we’re given the stock reminder that there are in fact “happy couples.” Which of course there are. But if two out of every five airplanes crashed on takeoff, wouldn’t it be a bit weird to be told to constantly wax poetic about the other three?

And wouldn’t it be weirder still for the passengers on those three to brag about how they “chose” their plane correctly? And brag in a way that indicates they believe the “choice” wasn’t a one-off for today’s flight, but a grand bargain with Providence that guarantees safe flights in perpetuity?

In matters of aviation, we’d call people so certain of their predictive abilities about the future events of their lives blowhards. In matters of love, such certainty is saluted as the couple “seals the deal” with their “forever and always.”

There is, though, an increasing rebellion taking place across the world against this salutation of the couple. People are openly defying relationship norms. People in romantic relationships and marriages are being more candid, both in person and online, about some of the daunting realities they face.

And the more all of this is discussed out in the open, the more it becomes absolutely clear that single life is a powerful standalone entity and not just the life raft when the cruise ship of couplehood starts sinking.

Because when you’re not having to contend with a partner’s version of love, you are free to love who, what, and how you choose without being wracked with guilt that you’ve had an “emotional affair.” When you don’t have to contend with their version of sex, you’re free to take your place in the grand story of human eroticism without reservation.

When you don’t have to listen to their telling of your life story, you’re able to continue telling it in the most authentic way you can imagine. When you don’t have to listen to their telling of what’s possible, you can try anything without fear that failure means they’ve “gained the upper hand” in some way. And when you don’t have to listen to their telling of what’s inevitable, you’re reminded that the possibilities that exist within you don’t need to be crushed by their definition of what a “normal XX-year-old” should expect out of life.

In this light, framing singlehood as the better alternative to a bad relationship is like saying drinking filthy water is better than dying of thirst. It is instead like drinking from the headwaters of a mountain stream. Each sip represents the love, connection, meaning, and everything worthwhile that wants to move through you, and the wild river ahead represents the freedom to broadcast those worthwhile things without fear or favor.