Recently, I went through the process of applying for a home equity line of credit. Despite having a relationship with my bank for decades, they had questions. My credit report was reviewed, current employment and income verified, and house appraised. Forms were notarized. And I received a few dozen pages of disclosures, terms and conditions, and information from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau about financial products tied to home equity.
It was in these pages that I learned the seriousness of the contract I was entering. Like with a mortgage, not fulfilling my obligation by making the agreed-upon payments comes with severe consequences, up to and including losing my house. Further, in that situation, the timeline and manner in which the bank can seize my property is governed by regulations which are crafted by state and federal agencies, which themselves are established by statutes passed by legislators.
It’s in situations like these that my mind often turns to marriage. This is because a state-recognized marriage is one of the most significant and far-reaching of the legally binding contracts a person can enter. And yet while the home equity line of credit process provided me with plenty of legalese, when signing a marriage license, “no one even gives you a pamphlet,” in the words of divorce attorney James Sexton.
That pamphlet, if it existed, should start by making couples aware that their marriage will have a silent yet very consequential third party – their state legislators. You know, your state legislators – that eclectic band of politicians who gather for several months out of the year in state capitals around the country to pass laws on our behalf despite the fact that none of us can name more than three of them. Here are two instances of state legislators addressing issues around marriage that I learned of in just the last couple weeks:
In South Carolina, the law does not contemplate that a spouse can stalk or harass their partner. Under the state’s current narrow domestic violence statutes, your spouse literally has the right to put a tracker on your car and creepily pop out from behind a corner wherever you go. The Netflix documentary “Death of the Pastor’s Wife” highlighted the creation of SB 702, known as “Mica’s Law,” to expand those statutes to include coercive control. It has yet to pass.
In Texas, the Republicans that dominate the legislature have made ending no-fault divorce one of the priorities for the upcoming session – to “strengthen families,” of course.
Beyond highlighting the role of state legislators, the pamphlet should also include the following disclosures:
I. Know the law
Marriage is a legally binding contract that impacts all parts of a person’s life. It codifies into law very specific beliefs about how society should be organized. As such, it is critical to know the laws of the state in which your marriage is licensed. Consult with an attorney and licensed financial advisor to learn more about your rights and obligations as a married individual.
II. Marriage carries serious risks
Marriage, while a routine procedure, nonetheless carries serious risks that range from rare to common. These risks manifest during marriage or upon its dissolution and include, but are not limited to:
a. Loss of housing
b. Loss of identity
c. Loss of independence
d. Disruption of employment or education
e. Disruption of existing relationships
f. Financial distress up to and including bankruptcy
g. Destruction or theft of personal property
h. Serious injury or death
III. Beware marriage entrapment and enticement!
Marriage entrapment combines a sense of urgency, appeals to emotion, and a desire for belonging to pressure people to marry when they otherwise may not. Can you recognize these common forms of marriage entrapment?
a. A media outlet suggesting marriage is the linchpin of Western civilization
b. A parent suggesting they’ll be left bereft without grandchildren
c. Being proposed to in front of an audience
d. Attempting to short circuit critical thinking around marriage by invoking overly broad and emotionally loaded concepts such as “human nature”
e. Fortune-telling: being told with certainty how your life will unfold
f. Movies that end with a wedding
g. Using cats to threaten future loneliness
h. Witnessing or experiencing singlehood as a consolation prize
i. Relationships with married friends and family where the only route to reciprocity of time, money, and care invested is for you yourself to marry
Marriage enticement involves grandiose promises about the benefits of marriage, such as:
a. An end to loneliness
b. An end to uncertainty
c. Sexual fulfillment and complementary intimacy styles
d. A best friend
e. A caretaker skilled in managing complex physical or mental diagnoses
f. Clarity of purpose
g. Awesome vacations
h. Halving the work by doubling the number of adults in the household
IV. Divorced or widowed: someday, it WILL happen to you - or your spouse.
Prenuptial agreements, account beneficiaries, estate plans, wills, powers of attorney, and healthcare directives. Nothing says “I love you” more than showing your spouse today that you care about what happens to them at the end of your relationship or the end of your life.
Plan early and plan often - because “forever” is a fiction.
V. Consider simpler alternatives to marriage
Legally, financially, and interpersonally, marriage is like a hammer. As such, being in a relationship where marriage is a possibility starts to make every one of life’s problems look like a nail. However, marriage is not designed to solve or ameliorate the problems, dilemmas, or realities of being a person.
In addition, marriage does not absolve you of the need to propel your own life forward. It does, however, require you to do that in tandem with another person who also must do the same. Do not dismiss the tremendous amount of time and energy this will take. Consider if that time and energy can be used instead on pursuits other than marriage that nonetheless yield a connected, satisfying life, such as:
a. Volunteering and acts of service
b. Spiritual and religious practice
c. Creative work and hobbies
d. Building and maintaining relationships with people of all ages and backgrounds
e. Learning new skills
f. Exploring your inner world
g. Planning for the future on your own terms
Discuss this pamphlet with your partner & carefully consider if marriage is right for you.